yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
