Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
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Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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