yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
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I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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