After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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