Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
