Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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