Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
