He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
