Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
