Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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