i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
