I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
