u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
