Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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