When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
