You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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