SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
