im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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