Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
