im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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