Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
