There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
