Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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