the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize