I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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