I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
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He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
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They are going to name an STD after you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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