did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
