Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You can't motorboat a personality
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
