I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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