I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
