if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
