nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
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He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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