i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
