its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
my liver is dry heaving
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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