i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
