Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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