I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
