omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
