I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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