Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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