she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
