Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
