my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
