For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
