it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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