I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
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Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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