Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize