I wish I could punch you in the face.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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