you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
