Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
