I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
