"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
did i walk over a car last night?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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