he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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